Learning Swedish

So. I'm teaching myself Swedish with a book that I got here in Germany. And although it's been going real swell so far, there is one problem. The book is so dry that reading it is similar to spending an afternoon watching your fingernails grow.

Each chapter has a short text that you read with the help of a little lexicon that comes right after. There is also a CD where the text is read out loud.

As a special treat for you, bloggies, to give you a sense of how special this book is, I'm going to quote at random from the text.

Here it is:

Skrivbordet står vid väggen mellan bokhyllorna.
Datorn står på skrivbordet.
Skrivbordsstolen står vid skrivbordet.
Fönstret är mellan skrivbordet och sängen.
Sängen står i hörnet.

Below, my translation. (A note to Swedes reading this: pay close attention to how I effortlessly capture the timbre and bria of the author's original melody in my English version, to say nothing of my almost -- wouldn't you say? -- 'sixth sense' for the nuances of your mother tongue):

The desk is next to the wall between the bookshelves.
The computer is on the desk.
The desk chair is against the desk.
The window is between the desk and the bed.
The bed is in the corner.

I bet at this point you all are wondering what happens next, right? Am I right? Well someday you too might be learning Swedish, and I wouldn't want to spoil anything for you, so I'm not going to give it away. But I'll tell you this: it involves a _night table_ and it's not just in the middle of nowhere!!!

Now, as some of you know, I have learned several languages in the past, and at this point, when I have a language to learn, I don't beat around the bush. Here's the secret to not beating around the bush when learning a language: ROTE MEMORIZATION.

Anyone who tries to pass off language acquisition as something "fun" or "creative" or "self-actualizing" hasn't yet known the crippling humiliation of the disease known as 'failure to communicate', which is at it's most ravaging when you're standing naked in a communal Chinese shower room and can't find how to turn on the non-icy-icy cold water (HINT: in case you find yourself in this situation and haven't yet learned Chinese -- there IS no non-icy-icy water).

You just memorize until your eyes and/or ears hurt, to say nothing of your brains, and then you go to bed in deep despair at how empty your life has become, (but congratulating yourself on your iron-fisted discipline,) only to discover when you wake up the next morning you've forgotten everything. Then you memorize it all again. Repeat as necessary.

Right, so given that my linguistical methodology involves memorizing entire passages of text in their entirety so that I can recite them like a 19th century pupil declaiming Lord Tennyson or a cult victim chanting his "credo", you can understand that I am not crazy about this book.

It's cramping my style.

So what does one do in THIS situation, oh disciples of Ida's school of second-language acquisition?

Well, if you're me, you supplement your textbook memorization with the memorization of the lyrics to POP SONGS.

But here again I've been stymied. The only Swedish song which I have thus far gotten around to memorizing has a rabble-rousing rhythm and a melody to please the crowds, but unfortunately after I learned the song I discovered what the lyrics meant.

I am going to give you the translation directly, we'll skip the original Swedish this time.

Here it is:

I read in the newspaper,
that as of now, I have a chance
to fly for a low price to a foreign country.
That's good for me,
but bad for you,
because if I see you smile
at another guy,
I'll take a plane to Paris,
and live in a hotel
for an evening --
suit yourself!

[Chorus]
I'm going to jump down from the top
of the Eiffel Tower
if you cheat on me.
I'm going to jump down from the top
of the Eiffel Tower
if you mistreat me.

Charming lyrics, no? Almost makes you feel like the author of them is NOT A PSYCHOPATH. Almost.

So at this point I have a LOT of options when I'm speaking to a Swedish person. I can make casual observations about where things are in the room. That's fun. And I can make scary-manipulative stalker-like threats about how I'm going to kill myself with the use of national and/or world monuments if I'm mistreated. Also a laugh.

Sample Conversation:

Me: Hi, I'm Ida!

Swede: Hi Ida, I'm Björn.

Me: Sooooooo...Björn! If you aren't nice to me, I'm going to jump down from the top of the Tower of London/Space Needle/the pyramids/Mount Kilimanjaro [the cool thing here is that I can pick any one, since proper names don't change much in different languages. Example: Erie Canal in Swedish is "Erie Kanal" -- fair game I'd say, no?]

Swede: Uh...

Me: Hey! That chair is against the wall.


Oh, and then I found out that the Swedish pop star who wrote the lyrics to the above song ended up killing himself by jumping under a train. Depressing, and yet not entirely unexpected.

I will keep you updated here at A MORE SWEDISH LIFE as I make bold strides further into the thickets of the Swedish language.

In the meantime, you all can see who can come up with the best joke based on the fact that the Swedish word for day sounds like the English word 'dog' and the Swedish word for morning sounds like the English word 'moron'. Ah, good times in the language lab.